Battling Dragons and Climbing Mountains

When I was trying to come up with something to write about today I couldn’t think of a damn thing. After a lot of mental straining the only word that came to mind was helpless because that’s how I’ve spent a long time feeling.

Helpless is how I would describe my mood today.

I did everything right, you know? Every damn thing I was told to do at school, at uni, and ever after to improve my chances at ‘success’ I did it. I followed every rule to a fault. Yet here I am, the person others use as an example. The “at least you didn’t end up like her” person. And there isn’t a damn thing I can do to change it.

We’re told, via movies and books, we need to go out and fight for what we want—grab it with both hands and don’t let go until it submits (sort of like Peleus in his bid for a goddess wife). You know the Hollywood story, girl from a small town moves to a central New York apartment, with no money and a glaring plot hole in so far as how she paid her deposit. She walks into a big five publisher the following day and demands a job after cutely spilling coffee (and somehow not causing third degree burns) on a hot guy who ends up being her soul mate. Which, as we all know, isn’t how the real world works.

Instead we find ourselves sitting on a threadbare sofa, in said small town, applying for jobs on our computer. We don’t even have the physicality of running around handing out CVs anymore. In terms of our fight or flight instincts we’re denied them both. Helpless is definitely the fitting word. As a creative person I can picture the future I want, so vividly it’s a physical ache in my chest, but still I can’t reach out and grab it. I literally can’t afford to.

Making matters worse no-one will tell me what I’m doing wrong. They say it’s not me, it’s the system, but there must be something wrong here. How does one not fall into a spiral of self-hatred when faced with an inbox full of silence every day? How does one stop dreading all social occasions because it’ll bring up the dreaded “what do you do now?” question?

Every cell in my body is screaming for me to do something. If I could don my hiking boots and climb a mountain to reach my dreams I’d leave right now—darkness be damned. And if those dreams could be achieved by entering a fairytale to slay a dragon I’d go off in my shining suit of armour tomorrow. Fuck the white steed I’d run across an entire kingdom to find that bloody dragon (and armour is not ideal running attire). Yet, in the narrative of my own life, I’ve ended up as that bloody princess in her tower, and I don’t even have the good hair to climb down on. My keyboard is the only weapon I have and no-one want to pay for my words.

There’s no moral to this post but here it is. My unfiltered reality as promised. But, hey, I won’t give up just yet. I’ll keep waiting for that dragon to slay.

3 thoughts on “Battling Dragons and Climbing Mountains

  1. AJ Sass ⛸ (@matokah) says:

    This can’t have been easy to write, but I think it’s an incredibly important read. I imagine a lot of people can or have been able to relate to feeling like this at some point in their life. It’s the curse of our generation to be told we have all these opportunities available to us, when the reality is the people we see succeeding are by and large those with their family’s financial support or (in my case) crippling loads of student loans to repay. I needed the education to get the job that doesn’t pay enough to pay back the education costs while affording to live anywhere near the job site due to the high cost of living in an area that’s economically flourishing.

    I don’t have a solution to any of this, and especially given your particular situation, it’s even more frustrating as creative work is by its very nature subjective. I’m frustrated with you, and for you. Also glad to see you plan to keep fighting. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Sandy says:

    Hey, what are you doing with my diary? Seriously though, I feel you. When me and my friends talk about our insecurities, I tell them jokingly they can’t get much lower than me. I’m one of those cliché graduates who just can’t get a job, constantly wondering whether it’s just me, or my expectations, or the world telling you all doors are open and then closing them in your face one they realise you want to go through but don’t have the money with you. There’s a certain strength in owning it though, after all the only way from here is up, right?

    Liked by 1 person

    • losttwentysomething says:

      Haha! I’m right there with you on all of that. I definitely think talking about this stuff is the best way as I feel like there’s a lot more of us than social media would have us believe. (We’ve got this, though, we’ll be on top of that mountain soon!)

      Like

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