My aim with this blog is to always be open and honest. If I can make just one person feel less shitty then spilling all my stuff on the internet is worth it. I think…
Anyway, recently (and when I say recently I mean over the past several years…) my self-confidence has PLUMMETED. A steady decline and then a full fireball inducing nose drive. Kaboom. Welcome to my life rapidly spreading flames of self-hatred. I quite literally Hate myself most days (intentional capital H). When I feel like this I isolate myself and tell myself I’m not worth anything—my friends, a job, success, or even happiness. I tell myself my friends are pretending, I’m the tag along that’s gone too far for them to tell me to back off now, and I’m weighing everyone down. I spent all my teen years literally being told I was worthless, that my interests were stupid, my dreams unachievable, and I’ve carried those words through to adulthood. No amount of compliments can override them.
Deep down I’m fully aware these feelings are all bullshit, but they don’t go away. And every job rejection is another nail in that coffin. Something else to reaffirm I was right. I’ll never be good enough. To the point where now I really think it’s hindering my prospects. The last few interviews I’ve had I’ve been so anxious I’ve struggled to get words out—my brain is already telling me there’s no way anyone would want to employ me. Because let’s face it, in a market full of very attractive CVs mine is…a solid five. If my CV was a person in a bar, you wouldn’t go home with them.
HOWEVER, to interrupt this self-pitying doom-fest, every now and again something makes me feel like maybe I’m not the massive fireball of failure I keep telling myself I am. And that’s friends. I have a tight group of girls around me who I never share my feelings with, because I don’t really know how (I just stick to telling you random people online…typical millennial), but who make me want to get out of bed each morning. Seeing them is like sticking myself on charge for a while. This weekend I met up with my best friends and accidentally let slip that I feel like a massive failure. One of them looked at me so intently I felt like that alone would make me burst into tears, and told me ‘you are not a failure, Becky’ before listing off all the cool things she thinks I’ve done. The sun was shining, lambs bleating in the field, summer-dress yellow daffodils blooming. Warmth prodded at my consciousness, moulding my insides like clay, into something akin to joy. I’d forgotten it.
I keep replaying that feeling and those words in my head today as I apply for yet more jobs.
You are not a failure.
You are not a failure.
And I keep thinking…what if I had opened up properly? Told them everything. But we all know it isn’t that easy. So, circling back to me wanting to help people with this little blog, and in the spirit of making people feel less alone, I started thinking about all those people still struggling to speak to friends. Or who perhaps don’t have anyone they can talk to. The people who are struggling in silence. And I decided to start some kind of advice segment on this blog—a real one. If you don’t have people to spill to, or you do but you don’t know how, write in. I want to help people as a life goal and I want to help YOU in particular. Your questions will remain always anonymous, I will never EVER share your name or any details, I’ll simply answer and advise as best I can (I’m actually pretty good at advice, and I’ve had a whole lot of experience with things like rejection now so…let’s do this. I also have a cheeky little psychology degree. I might finally get to use it!).
Ask B, maybe it’ll take off?
They always say to be the person you needed when you were younger and I really did need something like this before I started this blog (which is why I started it!).
So, if you do have questions/ concerns/ etc. use my contact form here or send me an anonymous ask on my Tumblr here (also you can choose any of my social media platforms). I’ll reiterate the fact I shall never ever share the details of people who write in questions to me. Because that would be the dickiest of dick moves. All queries are and shall always be 100% anonymous, but if they get picked for answering the question will be posted anonymously on this blog with my answer. I repeat the word anonymous again for emphasis. Louder for the people in the back—anonymous!! Never fear.) I shall also put an ask box in my Instagram stories so if you follow me keep an eye out before it disappears! Let’s level up in the fight to smash through the filters. What can I help you with?
P.S. My Ko-Fi account is up in the sidebar if anyone has money to burn…