I said this would be my year, the year I got at least one duck in my row, but alas it isn’t. Surprise!
My mum told me today there’s no way I’m going to have the money to move out in the next three months. No way I’d get one of the thousands of jobs I’ve applied for in that time. Which means I shall turn 27 in the exact same shitty situation I was in at 16—working part time in a shop and living with my parents. If 16-year-old me could see herself now she would be heart broken. Beyond that even.
I do not have words to explain properly how trapped, anxious, and angry I feel with life. Yes, there’s the weight on my chest. The unfilled void. The feeling that all the walls are closing in around me and soon I’ll be crushed. But it goes so much deeper than that.
I hate everything about my life right now.
I hate it with such an intensity I feel sick. To the extent I don’t even remember the last time I was happy. Not properly. For the last few years it’s as though I’m behind a veil observing the world around me—I know what I find funny, what’s supposed to make me smile, but I don’t truly feel any of it.
More than my hatred of my circumstances I hate myself. Every single pathetic thing about myself makes me want to vomit. The way I look, act, sound. The things I say and do. The way I keep failing and messing up. Everything.
And when people tell me it’ll get better, to hang in there, I hate them too. Everything is just a massive spiral of hatred and darkness and panic in my mind. I want to find the way out so desperately I can barely breathe, but I don’t know the way.
I’m so fucking tired.
I know this probably isn’t the sort of post one usually sees on a blog at Easter, there’s no ‘outfit of the day’ in front of a blossom tree or list of stylish chocolate eggs, but honesty is the best policy, and I know I’m not the only one who feels this way—even if it always seems that way. I’m sure one day I’ll look back on all this and declare how character building it all was, how not being good enough for thousands of jobs and agents made me who I am, but I am so so tired of hanging in there and hoping.
Happy Easter, you guys. I’ll try and post something more lighthearted on Monday…